Oh and one last thing: happy early birthday. :)
After she left, I had the most amazing, most useful dream (except maybe that one time where I solved an integral that has been giving me shit for 2 hours mid-dream, in my sleep) I’ve ever had.
I went back to sleep and I met you there straight away, because of course, you’re the main resident of my subconscious, so when you want to see me, you see me. It was as if we set up a meeting, decided it was time. I fell asleep and straight into that flowery fancy sofa.
We sat down on said fancy soft sofas and we spoke. We spoke of me and of you, and of what’s been going on in each of our lives. I told you how I’m doing, and you told me about things on your end. I realised things have been good. For both of us. There was no what if’s or but’s. Conversation flowed, it was fun. It was closure.
There was a mutual understanding that in some way, we’ll always love each other. But the feeling wasn’t the searing, unbearable pain it used to be until not very long ago. It was more like a welcome old friend you haven’t spoken to in a while- the one you’ve had amazing times with, a lifetime ago. A familiar old scar, so old and prominent that you wouldn’t be you without it, but also so old that it doesn’t hurt any more.
I don’t know how it happened, maybe I simply forgot how good it used to be. It’s a mystery that I’m not complaining about. I’m not trying to remember any more, either. It’s pointless, and I’m happy.
And so, we go on with our lives. Goodbye old friend… lover. I hope you’re as well as your counterpart in my subconscious is. You have taught me much, you have made me strong and confident. Know that you won’t be forgotten.
Rory: You know, I have actually thought about this moment. A lot. What would Jess say to me if I ever saw him again? I mean, he just took off, no note, no call, nothing, how could he explain that? And then a year goes by. No word, nothing, so he couldn’t possibly have a good excuse for that, right? I have imagined hundreds of different scenarios with a hundred different great last parting lines, and I have to tell you that I am actually very curious to see which way this is going to go.
Jess: Could we sit down?
Rory: No. You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?
*pause*
Jess: I love you.
(Source: s-u-b-s-t-a-n-c-e)
These days, ~9 months ago.
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
And I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
i’m changeable. i split. a lot. one day i’ll love you and won’t be able to live without you. two hours later i’ll hate you and wonder why i even missed you to begin with because i hate you. an hour after that i hate myself for thinking that because you’re my friend and i didn’t really hate you and i feel guilty and stupid. i don’t hate you. but i feel empty, indifferent and it makes me think i hate you and if i never hear from you again i won’t care, which isn’t true because i’ll break and waste away.
it’s starting again and it SCARES me.
i haven’t done this in months. i haven’t been so changeable about anyone in a month, i was finally getting BETTER with everything. i don’t want it to start again. i don’t want it so start again…
^ pretty much, more or less.
It was surprisingly uneventful.
Like, I didn’t think the sky would fall or something special would happen. I thought I’d feel different. I don’t.
This is good.
:)
moosevox asked: If you woke up one day and a miracle happened, everything was different, what would be the miracle in your life? How would your life be different?
Life would go back to the 1st of February, with the knowledge I have now. I would insist a little more that she deleted the messages from her phone before giving it to her mum for the day, her mum wouldn’t find it, and we would still be together.
Well. Life sucks and then you die. What can I do.
You came back, despite your parents. And I hugged you and kissed you, held your hand and held you, and we literally (and I mean literally) didn’t let each other get more than a meter away. So realistic, and so much like we used to be. And we didn’t care what anyone thought, not your parents nor mine, nor our friends. But it didn’t matter because our friends didn’t care and our parents were going to live with it anyway.
I woke up, and there was pain.
Chimney falls and lovers blaze
Thought that I was young
Now I’ve freezing hands and bloodless veins
As numb as I’ve become
I’m so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight.
Last night I dreamt I had forgotten my name
‘Cause I had sold my soul but awoke just the same
I’m so lonely
I wish I was the moon tonight
God blessed me, I’m a free man
With no place free to go
I’m paralyzed and collared-tight
No pills for what I fear
This is crazy
I wish I was the moon tonight
How will you know if you found me at last
‘Cause I’ll be the one, be the one, be the one
With my heart in my lap
I’m so tired, I’m so tired
I wish I was the moon tonight
